"Betty Leopard": September 2010

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Maintaining my balance

Having been more or less fine for a good while now, I had forgotten that often my emotional state is actually very delicately balanced, precariously on a knife edge. I can cope with only so much without having it affect my mood and daily routine. While managing to keep myself going in such conditions, it can often take just the most minor knock to send me tumbling down.
I rediscovered this aspect of myself yesterday while dealing with the finance department at work. Now, they've never given me an easy time with my expenses claims, which is a joke when you compare the scale of my expenditures to the majority of other people working in the department. There was just something about this occassion that was just that bit too much for me. Maybe it was the fact that I was having to explain the same issues as I have numerous times before, maybe it was the suggestion that the admin womans time was more scarce and of greater value than my own, or the fact that on some level someone must suspect I am trying to make a fraudulent claim, or simply just the way she spoke to me. Whatever it was, it well and truly got my back up, I was infuriated, absolutely raging. I'm only glad there weren't other people around me at the time as they would likely have suffered the sharp side of my tongue. Unfortunately such a highly charged emotional state was rapidly followed by tears, then anger with myself, the exhaustion. All this before 10.3 0 in the morning. I ended up falling asleep for a few hours, leaving the mascara riverlets staining my cheeks.
The issue is still not resolved, although I am somewhat calmer about it now. I am disappointed that such a small issue knocked me quite so badly. It's often hard to explain to people, why I am crying over an expenses claim and a snotty, self-important secretary. The fact is, in that situation, it wasn't the expenses that were making me cry, but a culmination of everything I have been managing for days or weeks previously. The straw that broke the donkeys back, so to speak. A small knock and my carefully constructed a managed tower of tasks, deadlines and other issues comes falling down around my ears, leaving me a blubbering mess in the middle.
Such is life I suppose. Maybe it's not even the depression, maybe this is just how people are. I'd still maintain that it happens to me a darn sight more often than most people, but that is really nothing more than speculation.
Instead of berating myself over my mini meltdown and loss of control, I should really be focussing on the fact that I've actually maintained my stable state for quite a while now, with only minor slips along the way. I certainly feel I am in a better position, feeling better, coping better than I have in a significant period of time. And without professional support (I chucked the latest therapist, maybe I'll write about that but there's not much to say). I suppose the fact that the negative still presents itself more readily that the positive shows I'm not totally there yet.
Ah well. I have to say, there's nothing like a good cry sometimes. A cry and a nap, does wonders for the soul (although not so much for the complexion :s)
Night night my dears,

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Monday, 13 September 2010

My life is a rollercoaster, and I'm not the biggest fan of rollercoasters :/

Well, it's been a little while since my last post. The title probably overstates recent events a little. On the whole, things have been very good. Especially going away for 10 days with Peter. Tiredness occasionally led to frayed tempers, but on the whole a thoroughly enjoyable time was had by all. I even came back in the mood for pressing on with work.
A slight dip came on returning to find that, contrary to my expectations, a week of activity and walking had not produced the desired reduction in my weight. That ongoing battle I have with myself. I therefore decided that the most sensible thing to do would be to finally accept that my days in skinny jeans were numbered, and invest in a more suitable, baggier pair. Which I did. Swiftly followed by another, more significant dip when the new size 12 baggy jeans arrived and I tried them on to find they could barely contain my thighs let alone my bun :( That was a dark moment. The jeans were straight back in the bag and I am waiting for them to be collected and returned as I write. So once again I return to food obsession and self loathing. I have been recording what I eat for 4 days now, which always helps me reduce how much I eat. The first day or so was difficult, refamiliarising my body with hunger and how to deal with it. Pepsi is once again my best friend, filling me up when I'm tempted by carbs. I know this sounds awfully like eating disorder teritory, but I've done this before and I've always been slightly predisposed to that way of thinking anyway. The best part is, it's paying off already. I must add, I have done exercise and nightly sit-ups alongside my calorie restriction. From 11 stone 2 or 3 pounds when I returned from holiday last weekend, I have weighed in at 10 stone 13 two mornings in a row now. It's only slightly below 11 stone, but that one pound makes all the difference to how I feel about myself at the moment. I hope I can keep this up. I'm aiming for 10 stone 8 by the end of the month, that's only 5 pounds in just over 2 weeks. Surely I can manage that! Fingers crossed.
Oddly, while I am less unhappy with the way I look today, and managing to make some reasonable progress on the work from, I have felt on the verge of tears for a large part of the morning, and I really don't know why. It may just be tiredness, not that that's a fantastic excuse. Not sure if it's better to get it out and hope I can get on with the day afterwards, or to hold it back and hope it isn't too much of a distraction. We shall see, these things usually find a way out eventually.