"Betty Leopard": Maintaining my balance

Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Maintaining my balance

Having been more or less fine for a good while now, I had forgotten that often my emotional state is actually very delicately balanced, precariously on a knife edge. I can cope with only so much without having it affect my mood and daily routine. While managing to keep myself going in such conditions, it can often take just the most minor knock to send me tumbling down.
I rediscovered this aspect of myself yesterday while dealing with the finance department at work. Now, they've never given me an easy time with my expenses claims, which is a joke when you compare the scale of my expenditures to the majority of other people working in the department. There was just something about this occassion that was just that bit too much for me. Maybe it was the fact that I was having to explain the same issues as I have numerous times before, maybe it was the suggestion that the admin womans time was more scarce and of greater value than my own, or the fact that on some level someone must suspect I am trying to make a fraudulent claim, or simply just the way she spoke to me. Whatever it was, it well and truly got my back up, I was infuriated, absolutely raging. I'm only glad there weren't other people around me at the time as they would likely have suffered the sharp side of my tongue. Unfortunately such a highly charged emotional state was rapidly followed by tears, then anger with myself, the exhaustion. All this before 10.3 0 in the morning. I ended up falling asleep for a few hours, leaving the mascara riverlets staining my cheeks.
The issue is still not resolved, although I am somewhat calmer about it now. I am disappointed that such a small issue knocked me quite so badly. It's often hard to explain to people, why I am crying over an expenses claim and a snotty, self-important secretary. The fact is, in that situation, it wasn't the expenses that were making me cry, but a culmination of everything I have been managing for days or weeks previously. The straw that broke the donkeys back, so to speak. A small knock and my carefully constructed a managed tower of tasks, deadlines and other issues comes falling down around my ears, leaving me a blubbering mess in the middle.
Such is life I suppose. Maybe it's not even the depression, maybe this is just how people are. I'd still maintain that it happens to me a darn sight more often than most people, but that is really nothing more than speculation.
Instead of berating myself over my mini meltdown and loss of control, I should really be focussing on the fact that I've actually maintained my stable state for quite a while now, with only minor slips along the way. I certainly feel I am in a better position, feeling better, coping better than I have in a significant period of time. And without professional support (I chucked the latest therapist, maybe I'll write about that but there's not much to say). I suppose the fact that the negative still presents itself more readily that the positive shows I'm not totally there yet.
Ah well. I have to say, there's nothing like a good cry sometimes. A cry and a nap, does wonders for the soul (although not so much for the complexion :s)
Night night my dears,

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